A collage Russ made for me of some of the people (and one dog) who I consider to be family
The first draft of this post was pretty different from what you’ll read here. Sometimes I write something, and I re-read what I’ve written and realize I missed the point of what I was trying to say. What I really wanted to write about was a reflection on what family means to me. The first draft had some bitterness that’s really unnecessary for what I want to convey. Some of what you’ll see here is what was in the initial draft, but I think this version of the post sets a much better tone. So here’s what family means to me.
Family is made up of the people who love each other unconditionally. My family consists of people who have chosen to love me in every circumstance, situation, challenge, and celebration. My family also consists of people who love me enough to call me out when I’m wrong, and are secure enough in our love for each other to disagree with me and maintain respect. Family is a network made of love, of people who choose to love me just as I choose to love them. Family really is a choice, it’s a decision to look at someone for all that they are and love them unconditionally, and to have that love and acceptance reciprocated. Being family with someone doesn’t mean you agree with that person on absolutely everything, or that there are no challenges with family members, or that everything is easy. Being family is work, it’s continually choosing to love and accept my family as we all grow and evolve into the people we are. The people who are my family see me for who I authentically am, love me for all that I am, and continue to do the work of loving each other and being family.
Relatives are people who - by coincidence of genetics, ancestry, lineage, and/or marriage - are part of my life. My relatives are, simply put, people who are related to me. There are all kinds of people who are my relatives. Some of them share ancestry with me, some of them entered into my world through marriage, but either way, I consider these people to be relatives.
What’s truly amazing is when relatives ARE family. There is some fortuitous circumstance that brings people into my life by relation, and those people choose to see me for who I authentically am and love me unconditionally. In return, I choose to look at those relatives and recognize them as family, as the people who I am choosing to see and love unconditionally. This blog post draws a distinction between family and relatives, but I’m not trying to assert that the two are mutually exclusive. I think the words are often considered synonymous because - for a lot of people - their relatives ARE their family. And I think what’s remarkable about not taking for granted that all relatives are family is that it truly blows my mind and makes me feel so lucky and appreciative when the people who just happen to be my relatives are also my family.
Instead of focusing on the negative here - the situations in which relatives prove to not be family - I’m going to spend the rest of this post celebrating my family. This post will not include all of the people who are family to me, but it will highlight some of the people (and one dog) who truly do help to define what family means in my life. And this post doesn’t even touch on the topic of friends, who are also immensely important and wonderful. So let me gush to you about the people in the collage at the top of this post, from left to right, top to bottom.
Bethany is the person who I probably talk to the most (aside from Russ). We have so much in common that it’s weird. We met at a job in 2012, and grew to be as close as we are through Facebook initially, and then through texting. She is truly incredible, and has an amazing heart, an incredible wit, and has proven that she is willing to celebrate life’s victories with me and sit with me through life’s difficulties. We both have experienced significant grief with the loss of our incredible dads, as well as our soul-animals (Barney for her, Gus for me), and I know I have found a lot of peace in talking to Bethany about the joyful memories with those we’ve lost. I truly feel like we were meant to be part of each other’s family, and I have never felt as understood by anyone as I do by her.
Colleen is one of my oldest friends, who - since we both ended up in Ohio - has become family. We have so many memories together from college, especially our semester abroad in Ireland. But even more than those memories, I’ve really cherished the times we’ve spent in the last few years here in Ohio. It’s amazing that we were so close 20 years ago, and are so close again now. I love her kids, and I love continuing to chat like we used to, and I love spending time with someone who is so safe and comfortable to be with. I also love going to concerts with her and sharing those moments together.
Larrie is someone who shows me by example how to be unapologetically myself. He is so colorful, so joyful, so sweet, so loving. I love having another artist in the family, and I love watching the videos of the things he makes and the joy he has in sharing those things. His creativity is amazing, but what’s more astounding is just how loving and accepting he is. I know I will never be judged for anything by Larrie. He’s an amazing hugger and an amazing listener. And having him as part of my family helps me to keep my creativity alive too.
Molly is one of those people (but certainly not the only one) who is both a relative and a family member. She’s also my very best friend, and has been since the day she was born. Molly was the Best Person of Honor for me at my wedding. Growing up with someone who loved art, loved animals, and loved music in the same way I did was a gift that I cherish. She has always been my confidante and my biggest cheerleader. And she’s also an incredibly gifted artist, and for Christmas this year, she gave me a gift that made me realize that she recognizes me as an artist too. For her to give me a gift that encourages me to rekindle an important part of myself that I’ve felt disconnected from shows me the kind of family she is to me.
I know Russ is next, but I’ll save him for last.
Sweeney is another long time presence in my life, who lives in Ireland and who I met during my semester there. They are the person who, by being in my life, has taught me the most about myself. They are so authentically themself, and they are constantly working to be a more authentic, more whole, more genuine version of themself. Reconnecting with Sweeney after several years with very little contact has been one of the greatest gifts of the last 2 years. The way we have grown together over these last two years is really what has made Sweeney family. I cannot wait to finally see them again when Russ and I go to Ireland in June for their wedding. I feel like Sweeney’s being who they are gives me the ability to truly be who I am.
Jen and Todd are two people who showed me what family was at a time when I most needed it. They let me stay with them when I needed a place to stay, and they barely knew me. Throughout the years, Jen has pretty much become a sister to me, and I feel so lucky that we have been able to grow up together over the last over 21 years of knowing each other. Jen and Todd are the people with whom Russ and I have laughed the most. Their daughter Grace is our goddaughter. Their kindness - and goofiness - knows no bounds. I’ll never be able to adequately express how meaningful they have been in my life.
Speaking of goofy, our dog Doc is an incredibly joyful, goofy dog. Gus, who I mentioned earlier, was curmudgeonly, and had old man energy (which I absolutely loved). Doc is 100% pure dog. While Russ is Doc’s favorite (as you can tell by that photo), Doc and I have a ritual where we cuddle for a little while every morning, and he definitely loves me too. There is something so special about pets. They have no filters, and there is nothing fake about them. Russ and I have been lucky to have amazing pets, and Doc is the kind of dog who is just so joyful and sweet that it’s hard to even describe. He brings an energy to our family that we really need. I can’t believe that someone decided that they didn’t want him as part of their family, but I am so INCREDIBLY grateful that he became part of ours.
I’ve talked about the members of my family who have most helped me learn about myself and know myself and accept myself. The member of my family who has most helped me LOVE myself is Lucky. Lucky is the person who won’t let me get away with apologizing for feeling my feelings. In fact, she gives me the space and the compassion to truly feel my feelings to the fullest. When I am with Lucky, not only do I truly feel safe to be the person I really am, I also really love the person I am. Lucky is equal parts fighter and lover - she doesn’t take bullshit and doesn’t let me allow myself to be mistreated, but she also never shies away from expressing how much she loves the people in her life. She also loves to hear about the people in my life who I love. Lucky makes me feel strong, and not in the sense of false bravado, but in the sense of actually believing in myself. She reminds me a lot of my grandma, and I often think that my grandma put Lucky in my life.
Finally, back to Russ. Russ is my person, the person I chose - and continue to choose - to spend my life with, the person I choose to spend every day with, and the person I choose to give the most of myself to. Choosing Russ as my family - in the truest sense of the word “family” - is the best decision I ever made and continue to make. Russ believes in me. Russ knows me in a way that only he could. I am so incredibly proud of the person he is, and I have become a million times better as a human being for having him as my family. I can be the worst version of myself with Russ and still be held in his love. And when I’m the best version of myself, there is absolutely no one who I would rather share that with than Russ. Russ taught me what love really is. We just had two road trips in quick succession, and being able to talk about absolutely everything under the sun with him for hours is a privilege that I don’t know if many people get to have with their spouse. I have never admired someone as much as I admire Russ. The fact that Russ and I are a family unit feels like the luckiest thing I could possibly imagine. Knowing that I am Russ’s family is an honor and is the best thing that could ever happen to a person. I try not to take it for granted that Russ and I are a family unit. The words “Choose Love” are tattooed on my wrist in Russ’s handwriting for a reason. It’s astonishing that I get to be family with Russ.
I am incredibly blessed to have the family that I have - not all of whom were mentioned in this post. The family that I mentioned here are some of the people (plus Doc) who demonstrate for me what it means to be family. I only talked about one relative who is family, but there are certainly more.
The holiday season is one where it’s commonly understood that people spend time with their families. And while I didn’t get to spend time in person with every member of my family, I did get to experience the love of my family this holiday season. All of the family members I mentioned in this post are people who I at least exchanged text messages with on Christmas, and all of them are people who I told I loved on Christmas, and who said it back to me.
Queer people have a long history of establishing chosen families. One of the blessings of being queer is having a model for establishing family for what it really is, based primarily on the reciprocal, unconditional love that is shared. As we look towards the new year with all of the challenges it will hold, I’m so glad to have the family that I do. I know we will provide each other strength, support, and joy in the face of everything that’s to come. I’m continuing to choose love, and I’m going to keep loving my family.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.