A selfie of me on my back porch wearing a black t-shirt and a brown-ish jacket (not smiling, which is rare in pictures of me). Notice the hoop earring.
One of my best friends - Lucky - often gently scolds me for apologizing too much. I have a tendency to say “I’m sorry” whenever I second guess myself (which is all the time) or whenever I feel like I’ve been an imposition to someone (also all the time).
This is pretty emblematic of a general theme in my life. I talked about it in my Gender Identity post, this tendency I have to never want to make anyone uncomfortable. This has extended to many areas of my life - from “softening” the way I dress in public, to not holding hands with my husband when we’re out, and even to the way I have historically resolved conflicts in my life, which is by shrinking and letting the other person “win”, even if I truly feel that I’m in the right. I have this instinct that “keeping the peace” (whatever that means) is more important than anything that would “disrupt the peace”, even if that thing is living authentically and expressing who I really am.
That selfie at the top of this post is indicative of a shift that took place in my head yesterday. Notice the hoop earring in my ear in that picture. For the last several months, I’ve only been wearing black stud earrings. While a “man” having his ears pierced might seem controversial to some, I felt that these hoop earrings - which are my favorite - might be pushing the envelope too far. The stud earrings seemed more subtle, easier to ignore, less confrontational. I have been afraid that the hoop earrings might come across as too gender-bending, or maybe even kinky, as you’ll sometimes see “leather daddies” with earrings like these ones. I wanted to soften myself, seem less aggressive, less queer, and more palatable.
A screenshot of an Instagram post from the account Her Empowering Mindset. The screenshot says “I’m no longer shrinking to be digestible. You can choke, respectfully.”
After the results of the presidential election, I think I’m done being “palatable”. To say that I’m devastated by the results of this election is an understatement. To know that over half the country would vote to elect someone like that monster … it shakes me to my core, and makes me question my faith in humanity, and certainly my faith in my fellow citizens of this country. I think some part of me thought that if I was palatable, digestible, soft, non-threatening, and conformist, maybe those people who might be uncomfortable with queerness might change their minds and learn to love people who are different. I thought that if I seemed “nice” and “approachable” and “normal”, maybe people would learn to accept people like me.
That is over. I’m not prioritizing the comfort of small-minded people anymore. If this election taught me nothing else, it’s that hate and bigotry are powerful and unrelenting, and that seeming “nice” and “normal” isn’t going to appeal to people who vote with hate in their hearts.
When I came out in 2003, I was not met with acceptance. The extreme rejection I experienced caused me to have a reaction that shifted me from being someone who was focused on placating “normal people” to someone who was going to live unapologetically. I was angry - really angry - for a long time. I made angry, confrontational art. I listened to angry music. I dressed as punk-rock and as queer as I wanted. I got into arguments with people at my college all of the time.
This attitude of anger slowly subsided, and life circumstances made it so I had to focus on being soft and kind and quiet and “normal” again. For about 10 years, if I was abrasive or bold, or even just expressive of who I loved, my husband’s livelihood could be threatened. My dad’s cancer diagnosis - and my desire to be involved in his physical and emotional care - prompted me to soften all of the edges that might alienate me from my family.
Over the past couple years, I’ve been working in therapy to build up my confidence in the need for boundaries. Not anger, not alienation, just healthy boundaries that honor my needs. I’ve been learning that it’s okay to ask people to accommodate my emotional and mental needs. I’ve been learning that the word “no” is not inherently a bad or forbidden word. I’ve been apologizing less. I’ve been learning that it is okay to take up the space I need.
But even setting good, normal, healthy boundaries that honor my needs has led to rejection. I have a family member who has not spoken to me for several months because I set a boundary. I perceive that as a type of rejection that doesn’t seem just or fair, and I am struggling to make sense of it.
This is going to get a little more personal and confessional than I originally intended, but I always tried to be a “good boy” growing up. In high school, I won awards for community service and volunteering, I was about as Catholic as a teenager could possibly be, I never touched any substance (except the wine at Eucharist), I went to church with my family every Sunday, and on and on. I’m also aware now - after having received my autism diagnosis in July - that I was constantly trying to seem neurotypical, like I could fit in, like I could do what all of the neurotypical people around me could do. I wanted to earn the love I didn’t feel I deserved. But when I was outed, all of the “good boy” stuff didn’t matter anymore. I was still rejected in a big way.
There’s a common feature in neurodivergent people called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. That linked article from the Cleveland Clinic gives a pretty good summary of what it is. For me, it manifests as extreme emotional pain that feels like physical pain when I am rejected or when I perceive rejection. I have experienced some pretty extreme rejection in my life, and I’ve shaped a lot of my life and the way I act in such a way to avoid that rejection at all costs because of how literally painful it feels. I think the way I’ve been conducting myself as an American has been in large part shaped by that fear of rejection. I have not been confrontational, I have been “normal”, I have softened almost all of my edges, and I have made efforts to “get along” with people who disagree with me on fundamental issues.
A screenshot of what I posted to Facebook yesterday morning when I woke up and heard about the election. It reads, “Good morning. If you voted for Trump or chose to sit this election out, please unfriend me, regardless of our relationship up to this point. I am not interested in debating and I am not interested in hearing how we all need to come together and get along. I am also not willing to hear that we’ve had bad presidents in the past and that this is the same thing. I am not saying that I hate you or think you’re a bad person or anything like that, I just do not want anyone who didn’t take action to protect the rights of people whose rights are in jeopardy to have access to what I say or think. Thank you for understanding.”
I’m not interested in getting along anymore. I’m not going to let my life be determined by avoiding rejection. There is no way to avoid rejection. Not only that, but sometimes rejection is a sign that the ones rejecting me are not worth trying to please. I tried to be a “good Catholic”, and I was rejected, and now I’m going to be my own type of radical Catholic, and I’m not letting anyone take my being Catholic away from me. I tried to be a “reach across the aisle” American, and I was rejected by over half of the country for fundamental parts of who I am, so now I’m going to be my own type of unapologetic citizen. I tried to be a “man”, and my own soul rejected that, so now I’m going to embrace my trans non-binary, genderqueer self. I tried to be a “good neurotypical”, and I have been rejected countless times for not being neurotypical enough, so I’m now going to embrace my autism and ADHD and allow myself to fully unmask.
There is no getting along with bigots who are willing to put one of the worst people imaginable in the role of the leader of our country. There is no getting along with people who hate queer and trans people for who we are. There is no getting along with family members who reject me for setting healthy boundaries that honor my needs. And honestly, if all of these people who I’m supposed to respect and whose feelings and opinions I’m supposed to care about are so willing to reject me for who I am, maybe it’s time I rejected them back. Or maybe “rejected” is not the word … Maybe it’s time I stopped apologizing.
So I’m wearing my favorite earrings today, and for the foreseeable future. I’m wearing the non-binary and autism pride bracelets that I purchased from my friend Briar’s Etsy shop. I’m not going to allow myself to think that it’s time to finally shrink and let that family member “win” and for me to disregard the boundary that honors my needs. I’m not going to worry if I make bigots uncomfortable by being who I am, because they’re going to reject me no matter how palatable I make myself, as made crystal clear by this election. I’m not apologizing for being myself anymore just because someone might reject me for it. I’m not going to let myself get swallowed by my anger like I did when I was outed all those years ago, but I’m also not going to soften my edges if my edges feel like they are part of what makes me authentically me. I’m not going to apologize for saying that I hate racism, sexism, homophobia, and the anti-trans rhetoric that the Republican party spouts - even though someone recently scolded me for saying exactly that. Who I am and who I love and what I believe are worth defending and expressing, even if - and maybe especially if - I get rejected for them. And I’m done making room for people who are going to make me feel like I have to constantly apologize for who I am, who I love, and what I believe.
My focus now is going to be prioritizing the people who have shown that I don’t have to apologize. I have loved ones who are constantly encouraging me to be more myself every day. I have people who are cheering me on when I set healthy boundaries, and who are gently correcting me when my boundaries become too rigid. There is a huge number of Americans who did vote for the rights of people like me and other people whose rights were threatened, and I’m going to focus on those Americans now. I am going to work to strengthen the community that has always nourished me and has never asked me to apologize unless I really did something wrong that actually warranted an apology. I’m going to unabashedly gush over the people who I love. I am going to tell the people who I love just how much I love them as often as I can. I’m going to rejoice in my queer marriage to my amazing husband. I am going to embrace rejection from the people who are going to reject me no matter how soft I make myself. I am going to stop apologizing for being an AuDHD, non-binary, nerdy, radical Catholic, sober, “a little weird but in a charming way” person.
This blog’s name is “Daniel Chooses Love”, and I am now going to choose to love the people who love the unapologetic, authentic me. I am going to choose to love the community that has always strengthened me. I am going to choose to love the people across our country and across our planet who are now so devastated and whose futures are now in jeopardy. I am going to choose to love myself for all that I am, whether or not I get rejected for it. To the people who would reject me: Please reject me. I’m done apologizing.